At the last family gathering, my mother and I critiqued the cousins' wives. I had left Charlotte, North Carolina to return to Tennessee for the holiday, a move from the corporate, up-and-coming Southern city to the place I grew up. My first comment about the cute, but wide-open girl my eldest male cousin had married was that she was Wal-Mart Pretty. Not to be confused with the "pretty" I had defined in the city, a sophisticated, corporate, coiffed, controlled look of elegance and seriousness, with a splash of Katie Couric, a spray of Jennifer Anniston, and just a whiff of Sarah Jessica Parker. This girl was more a clump of Paris Hilton, a stack of Dolly Parton, and a layer of Susan Lucci. When compared to the corporate women I worked with, she wouldn't have been noticed, but in Wal-Mart, she would catch your eye like an emerald satin throw pillow for $4.82.

I know that the analysis is a purely physical observation, mere window-dressing on the inner-soul of these women, and I'm not saying a Wal-Mart Pretty woman might be at a disadvantage. Growing up, my personal diva was Olivia Newton-John, a combination of wholesome good looks and innocence. Olivia never would be considered Wal-Mart Pretty, too fresh, too pure, too Australian. But, Shania Twain is solid Wal-Mart Pretty.

There is nothing wrong with Wal-Mart Pretty; it's being pretty at a discount.

Gay men understand Wal-Mart Pretty. The term is a do-it-yourself-on-a-budget attitude, an "I can take what I got and fluff it, tease it, and ruffle it up" outlook that makes friends and influences people.

Beyond Looks

This state of prettiness goes beyond the personal splendor of a woman. It defines how she lives her life. Low-price scouting tends to show in her expression of herself, her surroundings, her friends, and her attitude.

Herself

A Wal-Mart Pretty woman will not sacrifice comfort for fashion, but she will forgo fashion for fad. Rings on every finger, a tattoo slyly positioned for only her significant other to see, hair colored with Clairol Level 3 Light Ash Blonde, and Wrigley's Juicy Fruit to cover the Marlboro Lights on her breath combine to make the total package. Her opinions are a combination of Oprah, the Today Show, and The View, and she'll share them, loudly, at the least prompt. My sister Kathy is Wal-Mart Pretty.

Her Surroundings

My aunt's house is Wal-Mart Pretty. The structure itself is a non-issue, could be a mobile home, an apartment, a townhouse, a cabin, a bungalow, a ranch, but to qualify as her home it will have a country kitchen with matching curtains and placemats (the placemats will be jerked out from under your plate as you take a seat to preserve their appearance). The bedspread will also coordinate with the bedroom drapes and the bathroom's towels and shower curtain. There will always be a shaggy tank and seat cover on the toilet. The walls of the home will be white with a wallpaper border at the ceiling that leads your focus around the room to the colorful prints behind framed Plexiglas. End tables are solid wood veneer with lamps shooting out 75 watts of illumination.

Her Friends

These women are attracted to other Wal-Mart Pretty women. They can shop together, spending most of a Saturday at the Wal-Mart, then suggest to their husbands to go back that night after their dinner at the Western Steer -- "just to grab a thing or two." When the women get together, conversation tends to flow toward: "What'd you pay for that?" "Oh, it's beautiful." "I need me one of those." These packs of discount divas buy all their clothes at the Wal-Mart, so they're likely to end up at church in the same outfit, especially around the holidays.

Her Attitude

A Wal-Mart Pretty woman is defined by her attitude. She's sexy and she knows it. She's not afraid to wear low cut jeans and a belly shirt even at thirty-five. If her daughter can pull it off, then by God, she can too.

She isn't afraid to change a tire or let loose a string of obscenities when the time is right. And, when she travels, she always stops at the Wal-Mart, because they might have something different than back home.

What to do if you encounter a Wal-Mart Pretty woman...

First, never look her in the eyes. Notice her decorated jeans, flashy shoes, or hefty pocketbook, but never stare her in the face. You might get a "Take a picture, it will last longer."

If you find yourself in a conversation with her while waiting in line at the register, compliment her bargains stacked in her shopping cart. An "Oh, I wish I had seen those," while pointing to anything from tampons to barbeque tongs will usher you into her circle of confidants. Be prepared for a list of the day's best finds and the price of each.

Going back to the city, I found I missed the straight-forward bargain mentality of Wal-Mart Pretty. There is a certain envy I have for a person that can find something in a big-box store and still be happy with it when they get home.

As for the next holiday, the cousin's wife and I are hitting the garage sales.

Now, that's a whole other world...

©2007 Greg Lilly

Greg Lilly has a new novel Devil's Bridge (Regal Crest Enterprises, 2007) and is the author of Fingering the Family Jewels - A Derek Mason Mystery (Quest Books, 2004). He has a short story about a Wal-Mart Pretty woman in the anthology Women Behaving Badly (Paper Journey Press, 2004).

GregLilly.com